Chapter 4: Dealing with Past Hurt
A number of years ago the Reader’s Digest told the story of a young girl’s ordeal at the hand of a rapist. She had been bashed and raped and left for dead in Central Park, New York. While recovering in hospital, she was counselled by a psychologist who, over a number of weeks, began to help her to come to grips with the emotional trauma of such an experience. He was so impressed with her emotional stability that he decided to ask her the ultimate question. “Do you think that you will ever be able to forgive the person who has done this to you?” She sat upright in her bed and looked him in the eye and said, “I’ve forgiven him already”, then she said something that just blew him away. “He took one night of my life and that is all he is going to get.”
As a Christian she had learnt a powerful truth. If you want to hang onto bitterness and let the hurt of those incidents play over and over in your mind, then you allow that person to continually steal your joy.
The only way to gain freedom is to say, “Vengeance is the Lord’s – I’m going to let go of it and release it to Him.”
You must go on. Remember – life’s too precious and there is too much to live for to allow this incident to ruin the rest of your life. Tell yourself, “I’m not going to allow the past to wreck the present and the future!”
Dealing with situations that have caused us hurt and pain is not easy, but it is important that we do. Often we can feel that if we forgive the people who have hurt us, we are letting them off the hook – but the opposite is true. When we learn to forgive like Jesus did, we actually release ourselves from the bondage and inner conflicts that ruin our ability to enjoy healthy relationships with God and others.
There are so many good people with a heart for God, who hold onto their hurts and then wonder why they don’t feel totally free inside. The final result of holding onto hurts can be to turn your back on God.
Our hurts are either tombstones or stepping-stones to growth.
Going Deeper…
Matthew 18:21-35
This passage is a parable that talks about forgiveness.
In Jesus’ day, a religious person was only required to forgive someone who had wronged them 3 times in a day. A fourth offence need not be forgiven.
Matthew 6:14
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
Romans 5:8
But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Read Mark 11:24-25
- 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
- 25 And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.
What is God’s way of overcoming evil? (Read Romans 12:17-21.)
- 17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.
- 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
- 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge–, I will repay,” says the Lord.
- 20 On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
- 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
How do we forgive?
Forgiveness is not denial. Pretending that it never happened just suppresses the raw feelings of hurt and leaves a dull ache and an inability to be totally free.
Forgiveness is not forgetting about it either. Forgiveness is putting the hurts of the past in a positive light, breaking the power of that hurt to destroy our relationships and emotions. It is allowing God to rebuild the broken walls and remake the image that sin has disfigured and destroyed.
Forgiveness is always a choice. But it is a choice that you can’t follow through with on your own. You need God’s help to begin to pull down the barriers and build the bridges.
PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT
Below is a little saying that will help you on the path of forgiveness.
Don’t curse it, don’t nurse it, don’t rehearse it, disperse it, and God will reverse it.
Don’t curse it
This is the ‘why me?’ syndrome.
Stop analysing and meditating on the events that took place. Stop trying to work out why it happened to you. Accept what has happened as fact, and that the events can’t be changed.
Don’t nurse it
This is the ‘poor me’ syndrome. “What have I done to deserve this? It’s not fair.”
Stop analysing and meditating on how this situation has ruined your life and saying “If only….”
Don’t rehearse it
This is the ‘hear me!’ syndrome. The more we talk about it to other people the worse the situation gets in our minds. Stop analyzing and meditating on how you are going to deal with that person when you see them next. (“If he says this, then I’ll say that and then he’ll say, and then I’ll say…”)
Disperse it
Memorise and meditate on Romans 12:17-21
Give it to God. Remember that when you gave Jesus your life, you gave Him your rights as well. Write down the names of the people that you know God wants you to forgive, and clear your conscience by doing the following homework.
- a) List the offences of the person who has hurt you.
- b) List your offences.
Include wrong responses to their offence, disobedience, ungratefulness, wrong attitudes etc. - c) Purpose to ask the offender to forgive you for your wrong response.
Only ask once you are convinced that you are ready to do so. - d) Reinforce your conscience by doing something good for that person.
Read Romans 12:20
God Will Reverse It!